The Martello tower diary of Useless
Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. This time it has been posted to a tower roof with a notebook and a very small telescope. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.
- Day 1
“Martello” is a misspelling of Mortella. My name is spelt right. It is the only thing about me that is. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 2
The only door was on the first floor, up a ladder that could be pulled up. When homework arrives, I roll under the desk. Same idea. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 3
Each south coast tower needed about 250,000 bricks. I needed one lump of rubber. And look how I turned out. English Heritage: History of Dymchurch Martello Tower
- Day 4
The east coast towers are thought better built, partly because the work was not as hurried. I was made in a hurry. You can tell. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 5
The towers were never tested in combat. I have never been tested either. I just get used during tests. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 6
The chimneys could be knocked down quickly in an attack. I get knocked off the desk quickly in any lesson. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 7
Tower CC is quatrefoil: four rounded lobes. I am a rectangle with four blunt corners. Close enough. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 8
The gun platform could turn through 360 degrees. I can turn 360 degrees too, usually while rolling off the table. English Heritage: History of Dymchurch Martello Tower
- Day 9
Turning the gun took between ten and fourteen men. Picking me up takes one finger, and they still drop me. Historic England: Martello tower no 24 at Dymchurch (list entry 1014626)
- Day 10
“Martello” means hammer in Italian, which is just a coincidence. “Useless” describes me exactly, which is not. Royal Museums Greenwich: Mortella Tower, Corsica (elevation), 1794
- Day 11
The walls are thickest on the seaward side, to turn aside cannon shot. My thickest side faces the pencil sharpener. English Heritage: History of Dymchurch Martello Tower
- Day 12
At Hackness the only record of the guns being fired is a practice day in 1892. The only time I worked properly was also a practice. Historic Environment Scotland: Hackness Battery and Martello Tower, history and stories
- Day 13
By 1883 just two artillerymen were on duty at Hackness. In my pencil case, just one eraser is on duty. Guess who. Historic Environment Scotland: Hackness Battery and Martello Tower, history and stories
- Day 14
Off-duty soldiers may have stayed in local inns. When I am off duty, I stay in the lost property box. English Heritage: History of Dymchurch Martello Tower
- Day 15
Over 700,000 bricks went into each east coast tower. Over 700,000 mistakes have gone into me. I rubbed out most of them. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
- Day 16
A dry moat was meant to trap enemy soldiers. My pencil case is meant to trap me. It never works. Historic England, Heritage Calling blog: A Brief Introduction to Martello Towers
Want more of Useless on paper? The Martello Towers Family Activity Pack has colouring pages, a tower maze, spot the difference, a design-your-own-tower page, Useless the Eraser’s Martello tower jokes and a 20-question family quiz (paid download, $3.49 USD, A4 and US Letter).